August 16, 2011

Flash Fiction: Microchip - Gun Porn

For this week in Chuck Wendig's flash fiction challenge, he's looking for gun porn. Here's a story that features a beautiful .38 special, which is loosely based on an incident in Bangkok earlier this year.

Microchip
by Paul Salvette

Kasem sprinted down the uneven sidewalk that ran parallel to Wireless Road. The blue steel of his .38 special glimmered in the Bangkok sun. The path was crowded with office workers taking their lunch breaks under a make-shift canopy of tarps and umbrellas. Kasem ran into a young woman in a pantsuit carrying a bowl of noodles. She screamed as the scalding broth splashed her face.

“Get the hell out of the way! I have to stop them,” he yelled, pushing her into a gaggle of confused onlookers.

Struggling to make his way toward the United States Embassy, he had to stop to catch his breath. He scratched the open sore on his forehead where they had implanted the microchip, his finger nails covered in blood and pus. It continued emitting its deafening frequency that resonated through his skull. He had been awake for at least four days.

People scurried off the sidewalk into a nearby office building when they noticed his revolver. The panicked bystanders cleared a path, knocking over the plastic tables that cluttered his way. Kasem now had a direct line of sight at the iron gates of the embassy adjacent to the security checkpoint. A group of female college students stood in the visa queue with clean white blouses and short black skirts.

He ran the last hundred meters and aimed his revolver at the white man in a suit walking out of the bullet-proof doors. Kasem peered down the sight at the man's terrified eyes entombed in thick glasses. The man threw his briefcase above his face and crouched behind one of the screaming girls.

Cocking back the hammer, Kasem said, “This is for what you did.”

Before he could assassinate the pathetic savage, a Thai policeman tackled him, slamming his head against the concrete steps. The officer planted a knee squarely on Kasem’s back as blood and broken teeth came dribbling out of his mouth.

Kasem turned his head and said, “You traitor. How could a fellow Thai not let me stop them.”
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6 comments:

Indignant_Galactic_Citizen said...

Overall I liked it, but I felt it could have been longer. I felt that you still had enough space to give a little about what the microchip was and what it was doing to him. Also, with the woman he pushed into, I don't think he would have said anything to her, if he was so desperate, certianly not something as long as "get out of the way, I have to stop them". It seemed like it was too short to mean anything, but too long to be believble. That felt more like you were talking to the reader. I was intriguged by the phrase "Wireless street" but it just didn't draw in any further. Maybe expand upon it, just a thought?

Paul Salvette said...

Thanks for your excellent feedback. Wireless Road is an actual street in Bangkok where a lot of embassies are located, so I thought the nomenclature worked well. Perhaps I could expand upon this story as you recommended.

louisesor said...

I think there could be more to this story too. Who, what, when, and where have been answered. The next question is why??? The answer makes! the story. I would love to know the why. : )

rogerkilbourne said...

Awesome writing. Short, but awesome.

Lindsay Mawson, Thriller Writer said...

I think, if taking into consideration the comments of the others, you expanded on the story, it could be truly awesome.

I liked that it was easy to read, and I could feel his urgency... It just left me with a lot of questions! You can't tease me!! :)

Paul Salvette said...

Thanks for the kickass feedback everyone. Best of luck in the Chuck Wendig competition if you submitted.