An obese woman in front of him wearing a Dale Jr. shirt, fresh off the rack from Wal-Mart, grabbed her husband’s hand. “I really hope the proposition passes, and then we can be together forever with our baby,” she whispered into his ear.
Sighing to himself, Ted was still a bit shocked at the stupidity of the imbeciles in the Midwest who wanted this proposition to pass. He looked up at the billboard across the street that was perched above the Perkins. It contained a massive portrait of the deceptive con man, Mathias Updike, who held a globe in his hand, urging everyone to vote yes on 132. The grainy picture of the infamous “Outer World Angel” was emblazoned across the right half of the billboard. Ted had not fallen for Updike’s video footage of the afterlife when it first went viral on YouTube six months ago, and he certainly didn’t believe any of it today.
Updike had convinced America that engaging in nation-wide suicide would guarantee every citizen’s place for eternity in the heavenly Outer World. All of Ted’s friends at Kansas City Art Institute had thought the video was hilarious when it started gaining attention on national TV. However, it became less of a joke when the federal government decided to hold a special election for what the wags in the media dubbed “The Armageddon Referendum.” Was this even constitutional?
“This is bullshit,” Ted muttered, drawing attention from a burly man behind him in a Chiefs jersey.
“Oh. So what the fuck, smartass. You’re so cool with your goatee and funny t-shirt. Too cool to care about the will of Lord? Those skinny jeans got your balls in a knot or something?”
Ted looked down and ignored the bigger gentleman. It was wise to avoid conflict, since he was probably the lone no vote in line. He wanted to believe his country would do the right thing under these circumstances, and he hoped that his fellow Americans on the eastern seaboard and in California were of the same mind as him.
An elderly man in a VFW hat stood in front of the double doors to the school, waving both arms. “Sorry, folks. We’ve been ordered to close the polls. I’m afraid not everyone is going to get a chance to vote. You can all go home now. God bless.”
A murmur of grumbles ran through the crowd. The woman in front of him spoke to her husband, “Do you think 132 passed?”
Ted looked up in the sky and saw four ICBMs streaming up into the clouds, all heading in different directions. He lit up a smoke and mumbled, “Goddamn rubes.”
An interesting note: an actual Proposition 132 was on the 1990 ballot in California to ban gill nets for fishing